It’s not easy to support someone you love when they’re battling addiction. Anyone who tells you differently has likely never been through it. There are ways you might be enabling addiction that you’re not even aware of. And there are practices to put into place you may have never thought of. It’s important for a loved one of a person struggling with substance abuse to have a toolkit of ways to both support them and support yourself.
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1. Determine Their Level of Need
One important step as you begin the process of supporting an addict is to determine their level of need. Some people battling addiction are getting by, one day at a time, and others are using heavily and posing a danger to themselves and others. You obviously cannot treat those two people in the same way. Addiction is a spectrum and must be approached with caution, awareness, and gentle but firm boundaries.
Have a clear, direct conversation with your loved one. Sometimes, all they need from you is unconditional love. Other times, they need to be put in touch with an emergency hotline, like the 988 Suicide and Crisis hotline, so they can get immediate help. In extreme cases, your loved one might need the help of an inpatient treatment for substance abuse. There, they’ll be in a nurturing environment with therapy, structure, and even social detoxification for safe recovery.
Meet Them Where They Are
Regardless of where on the spectrum of addiction or recovery your loved one is, one of the greatest gifts you can give them is to meet them where they are. Addiction is isolating, lonely, and dark for pretty much everyone, including the loved ones of the addict. In fact, many times addicts begin their struggles because of loneliness and feeling like a misfit or outsider. Drugs, alcohol, and other substances seem like a refuge.
You can show up for your loved one by simply being present, clear, and loving. Remember to remain non-judgemental and have compassion for the disease that has a hold on your loved one. Try not to use accusatory or belittling language. At the same time, hold firm boundaries around yourself and your expectations. You don’t want to be pulled into a toxic situation and end up in danger because you’re afraid to say “no.”
Be Prepared for a Relapse
The realities around addiction are harsh. The stats show 40% to 60% of substance abusers end up relapsing at least once. Many addicts relapse several times before seriously recovering and never returning to a state of addiction. This repeated cycle can wear on both the addict and their loved ones. You may feel burned out, frustrated, and even angry at your loved one for failing to recover without relapse. It’s important in these cases to remember that addiction is a disease.
You’re allowed to be angry, but be angry at the disease — just like you would with cancer or diabetes. Have a plan in place for what to do in cases of relapse, like numbers of the crisis hotline and your loved one’s therapist. Also, be prepared to protect yourself and anyone else who might be vulnerable. Establishing and maintaining these firm boundaries no matter what can help your loved one realize they can’t manipulate or abuse you as they struggle.
Attend Their Therapy Sessions
Another great way to support your loved one battling addiction is to show up to, and open up during, their group and family therapy sessions. Sometimes, loved ones of addicts don’t understand the role they play or played in the journey through substance abuse. It’s critical you, as a loving friend or family member, be ready to hear some uncomfortable truths. Dark stories and traumas may come out about them or even about you.
While you may have escaped a troubling past without turning to substances, your loved one did not. Everyone is different, and group therapy sessions often reveal shared histories that have resulted in different outcomes for different people. Hold space during these sessions and try to remember that you’re there to help your loved one. You want them to find their way to recovery.
Attend Your Own Therapy Sessions
Which brings up the final, and perhaps most important, point — your own self-care. You’ve likely heard that you cannot serve from an empty cup. That is nowhere more true than in the case of supporting a loved one battling addiction. If you’re not getting your own therapy, your own help, and going on your own healing journey, you may end up doing more harm than good. Again, addiction is not easy. Indeed, the numbers reveal it’s close to impossible for most people.
So, make sure you’re filling your own cup before trying to help your loved one. Get therapy as a loved one of an addict. Get counseling for your own struggles. And be ready to be vulnerable and expose your broken parts. As you heal yourself, you are more able to support someone else on a healing journey. And you’re much less likely to descend into an even more broken place than when this all began.
In the end, grace, compassion, and support are critical elements in the world of addiction. Make sure to get recommendations for the right counseling centers for your loved ones. Get reviews and testimonials for therapists. Surround yourself and your loved one with healthy habits and a healthy lifestyle. Eat well, take walks, spend time in nature, and model a life you look forward to living. That way, your loved one will know they can always look to you for inspiration.
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